C@ncer: A Blessing or a Curse?

When you’re sitting at the table of life and death is sitting in the chair across from you staring you in the face, I think it’s impossible for it not to seriously impact your life. When I heard that doctor tell me I had c***** back in February, it began a process in me that I have no real way of describing to anyone that has never had a similar experience.

These last 8 months have changed me. This c***** has changed me. It’s changed the way I think. It’s changed the way I feel. It’s changed the way I see the world. It's changed the way I see people. It’s changed the way I love. It’s changed how greatly I appreciate the people in my life.  It’s made me realize that every day is a gift.

From the time I got the diagnosis I had decisions to make.  I had choices, not just the medical ones. I could allow this to ruin my life, ruin my family, ruin me or I could choose to overcome.  I choose happiness over bitterness. I choose contentment over regret. I choose joy over contempt. Everyday.

I have never done the “why me?” I could see what an easy trap that could be to fall into and I imagine how hard it would be to climb back out. I choose not to even go there.

I don’t blame God. I don’t believe he gave me this. I do believe He allows us to go through trials to shape us and mold us into who He intended us to be, to draw us closer, to build our faith in Him. He takes these trials and uses them for our good.

I don’t pretend to know His entire plan for my life. What I do know is that His hand has been on me through this. I know for certain that He has spoken to me and guided my decisions. I will continue to seek Him and draw my strength from Him as I have from the beginning of this journey. I don’t believe I have gotten to this point just to fail.

So I pray. I pray for wisdom. I pray for guidance. I pray that I would do His will in this situation. I’m on my knees. Praying.

And if you’d ask me if this c***** has been a blessing or a curse, I choose to make it a blessing. Everyday.

September Ultrasound

So I had my ultrasound appointment today. On the bright side they were very nice. Everything else...pretty much sucked.

I don't have the written report, that will come in a couple of days, but the doctor did stop in to talk with me after the ultrasound was done.

I'm sorting through all the information in my head and I need to pray about what to do. I'm thinking I need six weeks to hit it hard, harder than ever. I haven't been doing all that I need to do, mostly due to lack of money. I haven't had supplements in months just because they are so expensive.

There's no doubt I need to go back to what I was doing before, to what I know was working and be extremely diligent.

I know this is extremely vague, but I need time to process everything.

Thank you all for the messages and texts that I received today. I really do appreciate your kind words, support, and prayers.

Ultrasound Eve

So tomorrow is the BIG day. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 3:15. I've opted to stay away from the main medical facilities in the area and made an appointment with a smaller independent imaging center in the city. My hope is that they don't ask too many questions, but in the event that they do, I'm hoping that by choosing a smaller, less assembly-line-type of place that maybe there will be less scrutinizing of my choice to not receive conventional treatment. A girl can dream, can't she?

And of course I'm a mess already. Mostly I'm nervous, but I'm also excited and maybe just a tiny bit scared. I wonder what it will show. I wonder if they'll tell me anything tomorrow or if I'll have to wait for the radiologist to send the results to my doctor. Has it grown? Has it shrunk? Has it spread? It's going to be a very long 18 hours.

I've given a lot of thought to what I might do if the results come back and it's measuring bigger than last time I had it checked in June.  I pretty much came to the conclusion that it's a big waste of time and energy to devote my thinking to what "might be". I'll wait for the results and deal with "what is".

So keep me in your prayers and I'll update when I know something.

Joy and Pain, Sunshine and Rain

A few years ago Bob and I were going through some issues as all marriages do. Committed to keeping our family intact we both were agreeable to going to counseling. It was not only helpful for us as a couple but I learned so much about myself that I previously hadn’t realized.

One of the things I learned was that I can very easily, without any hesitation, identify emotions that are negative such as anger, hurt, disappointment, resentment, bitterness, annoyed and depressed, but I struggled a lot with trying to put words to more positive emotions like joy, contentment, happiness and all those other mushy feelings.

The other huge epiphany I had was how difficult it is for me to ask for things I want or need.  Being straightforward is a definite challenge for me.  I know this may come as a surprise to many who know me because I am very opinionated and have no trouble debating topics and spouting off what I believe but that’s probably another issue I need to work out. The reason I think it’s so hard for me to ask for things is because I hate hearing the word “NO”. Hearing the word “no” feels like rejection to me. I hate feeling rejected.  I find it easier to hint around and be completely indirect. Unfortunately this behavior is rarely productive and leads to disappointment and frustration which eventually builds and builds and boils over into anger.

Stay with me, this is going somewhere….

So this morning I woke up knowing I had this doctor’s appointment... with a medical doctor. The first medical doctor I would be seeing since quitting chemo back in March. Now he already knows I quit chemo from way back when I had to take Bob to the doctor for his back.  But I still didn’t know what his reaction would be at today’s appointment.

So I was getting ready, nervous as all could be, butterflies fluttering and totally terrified because I had no idea what to expect. And oh yes, I was going to have to go in there and ask this doctor for something, a prescription for an ultrasound. And there was a very good possibility that he might say “NO”...ugh.

I’m okay the whole drive there which was probably 40 minutes because of morning rush hour traffic. I listened to music which is very relaxing to me and also works as a good distraction.

As soon as I pulled into my parking spot it hit me. It was time to pull on my big girl pants. I needed to walk in there, be confident and just ask him for what I needed.

Repeating over and over again in my head, the Lord perfects that which concerns me, the Lord perfects that which concerns me, I walked in with my pants pulled high and my head up.

After nervously waiting in the exam room for what seemed like forever but in reality was probably only 10 minutes the doctor entered and the first thing out of his mouth as he shakes my hand, “what can I do for you today?”. There it was, my opportunity to tell him what I needed. And that’s what I did. I was direct and to the point. I said “well, I was hoping you would agree to write me a prescription for an ultrasound to help me monitor my progress.” HA HA I did it!!! It felt so good, too. I might be onto something.

We talked for a good while. I filled him in on all that I had been doing. I explained thermography to him.  He even admitted to learning some things from me.

Not only was he agreeable to the prescription but he said that if there was anything else at all he could help me with or do for me to let him know. He printed out copies of the reports that the doctors from C***** Treatment Centers of America had sent to him from my time in Chicago. He said that after he gets the report from my ultrasound he would be happy to get a copy to me for my records.

 If I had made a list of what I wanted from the appointment I definitely would say that I got all that I wanted and more. It was a good day. I'm feeling well, happy. :)

    

Inquiring Minds Want to Know...

Okay, okay, okay. Many people keep asking so I am sure there are even more people wondering and the answer is.........

Nope, I have not gotten another ultrasound. I have an appointment with my primary care physician on Wednesday, September 18th. Let's all pray that he is agreeable to helping me monitor. That would be huge. That would allow me to spend money on supplements instead of tests.

Part of the reason that I have not gotten another test yet is that between trying to get back into work routine, back to school schedule and after school activities life is crazy. Brennan who is a few weeks shy of being 13 is playing for two soccer teams and has a combined 8 practices or games a weeks, not to mention practices and games for the younger boys as well. It's soccer seven days a week. I'm not complaining, in fact, I love it. There is absolutely no other way I would prefer to spend my time than watching my boys play soccer.


Soccer is pretty much the only reason I love this time of year. I certainly don't enjoy the change in weather, autumn approaching, falling leaves or soon to be snow. I would be perfectly happy with hot and humid everyday, wearing tanks and flip flops. But, I live in Pittsburgh. Need I say more?

So I also know that if I want to enjoy watching my boys play soccer for years to come that I must not neglect my health. After my appointment I will hopefully know how I will be monitoring and I can schedule a followup appointment soon. I will update when I know something.

Until then please keep me in prayer.