Over the past few days I have gotten several texts and messages asking how I am doing and realized it's been awhile since I last posted.
After writing the last update I was lying in bed thinking about everything and it hit me. I became overwhelmed and started sobbing. Sobbing. I have definitely shed more than a few tears during this journey but this time was different. These tears were ones of complete joy and amazement. I had never sobbed tears of joy before, ever.
I've read many stories of people who have walked this path before me, but when I actually sit and think about me being one of those people, it still seems so unreal to me. There's still a small part of me that thinks the other part of me is crazy.
" I did what? Quit chemo to cure c***** with food!!"
Yeah, that seems totally crazy to me, and I believe in what I'm doing. I can only imagine how that must have sounded to everyone else when I told them.
I've been very fortunate that even if people thought I was completely off my rocker, no one, well, almost no one, made me feel that way. I'm sure people were thinking it, saying it to each other, but not to me. And for that I am very grateful. When I am c*****-free you all can share with me how crazy you thought I was. (Not yet!!)
As I've mentioned in a previous post I switched out the headcoverings for ball cap style hats weeks ago. The only time I was rocking a turban was to church, but at this point I'm not wearing one there either. The last time I put one on was more than 2 weeks ago and I hated how it made me feel. I felt like a c***** victim and I refuse to where them anymore. Although, my hair still isn't to the point where I feel comfortable not wearing something.
My hair is definitely taking its sweet time growing back. It's been months since chemo. I had the first treatment in the beginning of March and the second (and last) treatment at the end of March. But still, I have little hair.
I have a sufficient amount of hair the two inches above my ears and around the back of my head, which is why I can get away with ball caps. But the top, the top of my head has some issues. It's about 1/2 inch long and sticks straight up. I look like a baby orangutan, no offense to baby orangutans. And it's still so thin you can see my scalp. I was trimming it to allow the new hair to catch up, but at this point I am just going to let it grow. And hopefully it will grow through this ridiculous awkward stage.
Last week I ran into an acquaintance from one of the kid's baseball teams from the past. I hadn't seen this parent in a couple of years. After the usual how've-you-been- greetings, she said very excitedly let me see your hair. Apparently she hadn't heard. After I gave her the short version of my story she told me that she just thought I had gotten a short haircut.
AWESOME!! I loved that she didn't know. I loved that she just thought I had gotten all my hair cut off.
The truth is, I don't often even think about the c*****. The things that I do have just become part of my day, routine. I'm just living life. (Not a very exciting life, but still...)
The longer this goes on the less scary it is. All the symptoms I experienced last month that I found so terrifying, I had again this month and it wasn't any big deal because I had already been there. It was the not knowing if what I was doing was going to work that was so worrying. Now that I know that this is working, I can relax and just do what I need to do.
I was cleaning my living room about a week or so ago and I had a realization. Finally, after months of feeling drained and tiring very easily, I felt good. I felt normal. Something that I thought I would never feel again. As much as I dislike cleaning, I am so grateful to be able to without being exhausted afterwards.
I even mowed the grass the other day. I had forgotten how much I enjoy mowing the grass. No, seriously, I do. The lawnmower drowns out all the noise of the world (especially kids) and gives you time to think without any distractions. Plus it's great exercise. And it stays nicer longer than anything you do inside the house when the kids go around messing up everything you just cleaned.
I have days that are more frustrating than others. Some days I just want a giant burger with lots of cheese and bacon, days that I miss having my long hair, days that I wish I could just leave the house and not have to worry about packing a cooler with carrot juice. I have those days, but they're few and passing. Overall, I'm good.
