Imagine the Unimaginable

From the time I found the mass in my breast in late January until I finally got a diagnosis on February18, I played out the moment I would hear the news over and over again in my head, imagining what it was going to  be like to hear them say those words. I imagined how they would say it. I imagined where I would be. I imagined how I wanted Bob to respond.  I imagined how I would react. I imagined how it would feel. I imagined every possible scenario there was to being told "you have c*****". But thinking back he never even said those words to me. He said "it's not good, it's invasive ductal carcinoma". I guess it's a good thing I'm relatively intelligent or I may not have even understood what he was saying. But I did understand and nothing I had imagined compared to when I was listening to him say it in reality. It was unimaginable.

Here I am, 10 months later, sitting here imagining. But this time I'm not imagining how devastating it will feel. I'm imagining how happy I will be. I'm imagining how I'll find out. I'm imagining where I will be. I'm imagining who I'll tell first. I'm imagining how others will respond. I'm imagining how I'll react. I'm imagining what it will be like to hear them say "you don't have c*****". And I imagine it will be pretty unimaginable.  

December Ultrasound

Just a little over 24 hours after my latest ultrasound I received the results via email late this morning. I was honestly confused by what it said at first. It contains a lot of medical lingo. Really the only thing worse than not knowing the results is having the results in front of you and being completely confused by them. After looking up all the different terms and comparing it to past reports I finally had it all figured out and I was super excited.

The last ultrasound results from September had shown 6 masses total. (You can reread those results in the post "Crunch Time") I believe it was 4 in the right side and 2 in the left side. One in the right side known to be c*****ous measuring 1.6 cm. Another one in the right side thought to be a fibroadenoma (non-c*****ous) first detected in February. Two new ones found also in the right side. And lastly, two new ones found in the left side.

After the experience I had at the last place I had gotten an ultrasound, I decided to return to the original place I went to in June after deciding to do a holistic approach. I realize now the importance of going to the same place and how helpful this would have been to the process. This isn't a mistake I will make again.

So here's why I'm excited. These results say that there were NO masses, NONE found in the left side at all. There were two masses on the right side. The original c*****ous mass that had previously measured at 1.6 cm was now measuring at .8 cm. That's half people!! The tumor shrunk in half!! The only other mass was the already known fibroadenoma. I'm one very happy lady tonight. Lymph nodes on both sides are still swollen but normal for the situation.

So while I'm definitely not out of the woods yet, I can see daylight peaking through the trees.

Please, feel free to share my story. I want people to know. I would very much like for more people to know my story so when I have my next ultrasound I can finally prove that it is possible. There are options. And if I can do it, so can they.

New Traditions are Born

Thanksgiving day is usually a time when family and friends gather together, eat their favorite holiday foods and enjoy each other's company. Most years this is what we have done, too. This year, however, I decided that I would rather stay home. The inconvenience of trying to go anywhere caused by diet restrictions, both my own and the kids', made the idea of going anywhere just seem not worth it to me this year.

We did have an enjoyable, though non-traditional, day. We took the kids to the movies to see Frozen. I actually can't even remember the last time we all went to the movies together, if ever. Apparently this is a lot of people's holiday tradition because the movie theater was quite busy.

We skipped the turkey part of dinner, but Bob did make some of the other holiday usuals. He made special versions of old time favorites that I would be able to eat. I indulged in vegan mashed potatoes and gravy, gluten free, vegan stuffing and corn...mmm, mmm, mmm. It was so nice to have something different from what I usually eat.

The kids on the other hand don't enjoy Thanksgiving feast type foods, with the exception of Brennan, so Bob made them homemade pizzas. Bob's grandmother had made a pumpkin pie, so they enjoyed dessert first with gram and pap followed by dinner at home. I told you it was completely non-traditional.

I had learned such a valuable lesson from making my own list of what I'm grateful for that I decided to pass the lesson on to my children. I had each of them make a list of what they are grateful for and we shared our lists sitting around the fire pit enjoying a winter fire with some hot cocoa for them and veggie juice for me.

It was a stress-free, relaxing, much needed kind of day. And I do believe that a completely non-traditional Thanksgiving will be the "new tradition" around here.

  

Giving Thanks

The following is a list of 30 things I am grateful for in celebration of Thanksgiving. When I started the list I was feeling anything but thankful. After focusing my energy on all that I have instead of what I don't, my mood began to lift. After reading it leave a comment saying what you are grateful for.
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(This list is in no particular order and is by no means a complete list. I am thankful for these things and so much more)

30. TV land - because I love watching reruns of past favorite shows

29. to be over my fear of flying- I now have a sense of freedom that I could go anywhere in the world (well, if I had the money)

28. for my reverse osmosis unit - Bob connected it to our refrigerator so not only do I have clean water to drink I also have clean ice

27. my 18 year old Chevy Suburban - though it's old and falling apart, it still gets me to and from wherever I need to go

26. to be free from my addiction to diet soda - I haven't had any since the day I found out I had c*****, that was over 9 months ago

25. to be free from my addiction to soap operas- what an incredibly useless and wasteful way to spend my time, though I'm quite sure I have found new incredibly useless and wasteful ways to spend time

24. my job because not only does it pay bills but I get to be off most of the same days as my children and the summer

23. My grandmother from whom I have learned so much - She's almost 94 years old and has a lifetime of stories dating back to before the Great Depression

22. for all the people, some friends old and new and some people I have never met, that take time to leave comments / send me messages - those comments shed some light on some of my darkest days

21. for winter coat pockets- never fails, every year I feel as though I hit the lottery

20. for my best friend who would drop everything if I needed her, would give me her last dollar and not think twice, keeps all my secrets and supports me through all life's bumpy roads

19. my mother's love - I've definitely given her more than a few sleepless nights but she never gave up on me

18. my mother's guidance and support (yes, my mother gets two) at the age of just 15 I was pregnant. She protected me from the ridicule, gave me the option to give my baby up for adoption or to keep him, then taught me how to be a mother and made me take responsibility for him rather than doing everything for me. It was so difficult at the time but I love her for it now.

17. that for 10 years I was able to be a stay-at-home mother to my 5 beautiful children - financially it was rough but if given the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing

16. soccer- even though it takes up so much of our lives, the boys love it and the joy that it gives me watching them play is priceless

15. for chick flicks- because sometimes they are just so necessary

14. my only daughter- for being my little sidekick and well, the fact that we now wear the same size shoe, 'nough said

13. my oldest son- for not having been the typical teenager

12. my second born- for sharing my off-beat sense of humor

11. my fourth born- that through his food sensitivities I would have the opportunity to learn so much. It changed the course of our lives. His persistence in the midst of his struggles with dyslexia are inspiring and motivating. Though early on he was labeled the "bad one" by others, his adventurous and spirited personality bring joy to those around him

10. my fifth born- for being the best not girl baby ever. (I so desperately wanted a sister for Reagan) He absolutely never cried and slept through the night from the time he was born. His quiet demeanor and ability to play by himself made him the most perfect fifth child a mother could ask for.

9. for text messaging - because talking on the phone when you have children is a rarity.

8. that on 11/25/13 I combed my hair for the first time in 8 months :)

7. for all those who have given money, bought t-shirts, or candles, sent cards and more cards

6. for everyone who has prayed for me and continues to pray for me

5. for precious quiet moments alone - because they don't happen often, they are so much appreciated

4. for sunshine and 80 degrees and flip-flops and tanks- knowing they exist is what gets me through the winter months

3B. for Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, and the East End Food Coop for supplying my family with food without all the nasty artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives.

3A. for the day I stumbled across www.feingold.org - it has undoubtedly changed the course of my life       (I thought of this after I had completed the original list of 30, but it was way too important to leave out)

2. for my husband, Robert- though the 14 years we've been together haven't all been pretty we've stuck it out together. He has supported me like no other person through this journey. He supported my decision to have chemo (even though he didn't agree with it). He took care of me when I was too sick to take care of myself afterwards. And he has been my biggest supporter since quitting chemo and deciding to treat it holistically.  He picks me up when I'm down. He's been both my rock and my soft place to fall. I could write pages of all the ways in which he helps me everyday and still probably not even mention everything. I never could have made it this far without him.

1. for God's never ending mercy, grace, love, and forgiveness


Have a blessed Thanksgiving everyone!


At all times and for everything giving thanks in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God the Father. Ephesians 5: 20

Dancing Again

As you know from my last blog posting I was having a rough few days. Immediately following that post I decided to write down thirty things I am grateful for in an attempt to help my worn spirit. At first I found this task incredibly difficult. My mood was such that I really didn't feel like being thankful, which is exactly why I knew I needed to write it. About halfway through it became easier. By the time I had neared the end I easily could have come up with thirty more. I was beginning to feel better already. I'll share that list in another post.

Okay, so I had my list. Now what, I thought. Knowing the importance exercise plays in mental health I decided to get on the trampoline and start jumping. Even if I only could manage to do it for a few minutes, I told myself,  it would help. That was really just my way of tricking myself into starting which is always  the hardest part when you really don't feel like doing anything at all.

Next, I decided to up my daily dose of vitamin D since my exposure to sunlight is nonexistent in Pittsburgh in November. Additionally, Bob gave me some passion flower to take.

I had covered all the basics I could think of. I was feeling better, but by no means was I feeling motivated, the kind of motivation that I felt I needed to kick some c***** butt.

That all took place on Tuesday. The next day we were supposed to get a big snow storm. I say supposed to because once again the weathermen were wrong, (surprised? not really) and we didn't get anything at all.

So with just wet roads on Wednesday morning, I decided to make a trip to the nutritionist's office to buy some needed supplements. Rarely when I'm out anywhere do I buy items that I've deemed unnecessary, but there was book that caught my attention- "A C***** Battle Plan: six strategies for beating c*****, from a recovered "hopeless case" by Anne E Frahm. I decided to splurge and I'm so glad I did.

This Book was the best $15 ever spent. Well, maybe not ever, but definitely worth every penny and then some. I can not say enough good things about this book. Now I'm not much of a reader, mostly because it's difficult to find the time, but once I started reading it I couldn't put it down. I read the entire book, all 172 pages, in one day. The author covered every aspect of her recovery- diet, exercise, attitude. I already knew most of the information in it but it was so nice to be able to relate to the author's thoughts and feelings and to feel validated in my own. Her simplistic way of retelling her story makes it a great read for everyone that is battling c***** or knows someone battling it, so everyone!

She wasn't diagnosed until she was in stage IV, after a misread mammogram and months of being told by doctors all her aches and pains were the result of something else. She endured months of chemo and had radiation, surgery, and a stem cell transplant. When all else had failed she turned to nutrition.

If you or someone you know has c***** this is a must read book. A MUST READ BOOK!!

From a scientific standpoint another book to read is "The China Study" but if you're like me and prefer the documentary version, watch "Forks over Knives" when you have an hour to spare. It's available on Netflix.

AND BUY THE BOOK!! And if anyone does buy and read the book, be sure to tell me what you think of it. I'd love to know if you loved it as much as me.

Somebody Cue the Music, Please...

You've all probably heard the saying "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain". I've done a pretty good job at dancing in the rain, after all I've been in the middle of a storm for the past 10 months. And even though I have not-so-good days, the good definitely out way the bad, most of the time, until lately.

In just the past couple of weeks my truck has left me stranded three times, twice with a dead battery and once with a flat tire. We replaced the battery and patched the tire. Both were relatively cheap fixes. Then the washing machine broke, but fortunately we were able to find a replacement from craigslist and talk the sellers down to just $100, only to find out while Bob was installing the new washer that the hot water tank is rusty and should be replaced very soon.

Old me would have been upset by these things. I would have thought enough is enough already and had a pity party for days. But honestly, none of it mattered to me. None of it stressed me out.  I was still dancing.

The past five days I can't say that has been the case. Since Friday I've been somewhat of an emotional train wreck. Most times I can tie my bad moods to something, an incident, a story, my monthly cycle, being overly tired. SOMETHING! Not this. I think this must just be an accumulation of my current circumstances. I despise winter, snow, and cold. I'm not a fan of the holidays. And I'm absolutely sick of having c*****.

I try to look on the positive side. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would say I'm lucky because I am only stage 2, and yes, I get that. I try to remind myself of this all the time. But on some days, days like today, and the previous four days, I'm having trouble keeping things in the usual perspective.

I'm worn. I'm tired. I would like to be done now.

 As I shared before I have scheduled an appointment for my next breast ultrasound. It will be on December 4th at 9 am. I guess that people would think I may feel some sort of sense of relief knowing that a checkup is near, but that really isn't the case. It seems that the closer I get to the appointment the harder the time I have holding it all together.

I was hoping, probably unrealistically, that when I went back for this check up that "it" would be gone. But what if it isn't?

 Then I keep going.

 What I need to remember is that as long as there is forward progress then there is success. As long as it is smaller than the last time, then what I am doing is working and I will continue. I need to focus on how far I've come not how far I have to go.

Pray for my sanity as this day approaches. I know my husband and children would appreciate it. And I swear the next post will be more upbeat than the last two. I hate to sound like such a downer all the time.

Welcome to my Moment

Nearly everyday I can hold it all together. I smile. I laugh. I live an altered, but normal life. I don't often think on the negative thoughts, the harsh reality of my situation. Today is that rare exception. I'm having a day.

It started with an overwhelming sadness for all the families that have loved ones dealing with stupid c*****, especially when it's a child. One family mourns the loss of their four year old daughter to brain c***** while another sits in a hospital room with their two year old son who has leukemia. The sadness soon turns to anger and  I just want to scream and start smashing things.

I hate it. I hate all of it. I hate that parents have to say good bye to their babies and I hate that babies have to say good bye to their parents. The thought that my children might have to grow up without me, well, is quite frankly, unbearable.

A few weeks ago, as I was sitting at a soccer game, one of the other parents was talking about two years from now when Brennan would be playing soccer for the high school. My first thought was, gee I don't even know if I'll be around to see that. Of course, I didn't say anything out loud that would give any indication that that was my thought. That was the first time I had thought about a future event in my children's life and the possibility of me not being in it. I have cried at the thought of my children not having their mother, but this was different. It seemed more personal if that makes any sense.

So, I lay here, crying. Doubting everything. Hating everything. And fearful of what my future holds.

It's these moments, when the thoughts are more than I can handle, when there's nothing else to hold on to, all I can do is pray. Cry and pray.

By morning, everything will be back to status quo and my moment will be over... until next time.

Carrie

My husband had a child support hearing today and since his ex is so interested in reading my blog and attempting to use my posts in court to increase her child support, I thought I would write her this letter.

Carrie:

When I had heard the things you had to say today, I must admit I was upset, for about 5 minutes. Then I reminded myself that you are just another uninformed individual spouting off your opinions without knowing (1) the facts of my particular situation, (2) the complications that go along with all the prescribed medical treatments that the doctors gave me as choices or (3) statistical chances of my recovery given the highly aggressive form of c***** that I have.

We clearly are very different people. When my children or I have issues arise, I look at what is the root cause of the problem and don't just try to fix it by treating the symptoms. Take for instance my son. At an early age he was very hyper, had speech problems, threw temper tantrums that lasted for hours, had trouble counting and learning his letters. It was very obvious to me that something was going on. Sure, I was offered prescription drugs so that his behavior would be manageable and my life would be easier, but I didn't consider that an option. I changed his diet and put him in sports and his behavior and learning disabilities were no longer an issue. He is still dyslexic, that will never go away. Fortunately, he has other outlets for him to feel successful other than school, such as soccer and baseball and Bible quiz. So yes, I do encourage those things. They're good for him. They give him an outlet and are much less expensive than paying a psychiatrist to boost his self esteem. And also, help to take his mind off the fact that his mother has c*****.

I also encourage my children to work. Brennan has for the last two years refereed and mowed grass to earn money. All four of them rake leaves and shovel snow. They know if they want something extra that they will have to use their own money. I'm not buying them brand name shoes or clothes. I'll never buy them a phone. If they want to buy something or go somewhere they know that comes out of their own money. I want them to know that they have to work for the things they want.

Now, I know you only said the things you said today because your only concern is making sure you get more child support. I know you don't feel as though the almost $400 a month that is paid to you is enough. The only thing I can say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry that Bob doesn't make more money. I'm sorry that you lack compassion and empathy. I'm sorry that after 14 years you are still bitter and resentful.

Your understanding of how c***** is treated is very limited. To say that "she should get a double mastectomy and just be done with it" is not only, well, cold and insensitive, it was completely inappropriate and it crossed boundaries that just shouldn't be crossed. I should also add that I wouldn't "just be done with it". You see, the c***** tumors that I have are just a symptom of a bigger problem, but I don't expect you to understand that.

I doubt you have spent any time researching the side effects of chemo as you have never had to have that poison put into your veins. I have. I have read the side effects. I understand them quite well. I, after only having two rounds of chemo, am still experiencing side effects. Knowing that c***** is one of the side effects to both chemo and radiation did make me just a little hesitant to continue that route. In all honesty, I didn't like any of my options. But since I wasn't given the choice whether I wanted c***** or not, I picked what I felt would be best option for my family and me long term given my circumstances.

But please know that my blog was created so that people who actually care about me and my family could be updated on my health status and my progress, not so that you or your private investigator could obtain information that you had hoped would help you achieve your goal of getting more child support.

I had considered for a second not writing my blog any more, but then changed my mind. I don't care if you read it, in fact, I encourage you to. Perhaps you will gain more than just information to use "against us". Maybe you will actually learn something and can become a more informed person.

I pray that someday you won't have to go through what I am going through, but with the c***** rates being what they are (1 in 3) there is over a 30% chance that you will. If or when that day comes you can make whatever choice you want. Since this is my breast c***** I get to make my decisions. I get to decide what is best for me, not you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have better things to do, like fight for my life.

Crunch Time

Okay. So here it is. I have the written report from my last breast ultrasound. And, well, as I said before, it isn't pretty.

The report states:

The known carcinoma in the right breast at 11 o'clock measures 1.6 (ouch! It previously was measuring .89 cm in mid-June) The  previously described .9 cm hypoechoic nodule in the right breast at 1 o'clock is stable. (This nodule was first detected in February but the doctors felt it was nothing to worry about. By stable they just mean it hasn't grown) There are two new hypoechoic .5 cm nodules in the right breast at 2 o'clock and 10 o'clock. There is a .8 cm vascular mass in the left breast at 3 o'clock and a .4 cm hypoechoic nodule in the left breast at 2 o'clock. No axillary lymphadenopathy (disease of the lymph nodes) is identified. (This is the only good news in the whole report. This is very significant because this means that it hasn't spread outside the breast to the lymph nodes)

Recommendation: Ultrasound guided breast core biopsy of the .8 cm mass in left breast and fine needle aspiration biopsy of the .5 cm nodule in the right breast.

So to summarize what the results say, basically I went from two known masses, one being c*****ous and one not, to 6 masses in total, 4 new ones ranging in size from .4 cm to .8 cm. Of course without the biopsy it is unknown whether these masses are c*****ous or not.

My thoughts on the results.

On the day of the ultrasound, I spoke with the radiologist who reads the images and writes the reports and makes recommendations based on what she sees. Immediately, I had issues with what she was telling me. She said that the last place I went, which was Three River Thermography in the North Hills, didn't take images of the left breast at all. WRONG!! I know that is completely wrong as does everyone who has been following this blog for awhile. I know they took images of the left breast because I had the written report and  I shared the findings of that report in a post.

The second thing she said which makes me question her accuracy is that the last ultrasound didn't show the c*****ous lump at all. She repeatedly told me that the written report from the last ultrasound was only about the mass in the 1 o'clock position (the non-c*****ous lump) and not the mass in the 11 o'clock position (the c*****ous lump) WRONG AGAIN!! I know that's wrong. When I had the ultrasound done in June I specifically told the tech where the c*****ous mass was. We talked about it extensively. She was very thorough. And again, I read the report. That's not what it said.

I did question  this doctor about what she was saying but without the written report in my hands to show her I didn't have much of an argument. So let that be a lesson to me to always bring all my past test results.

I don't know if I believe that all the new masses are c*****ous or not. I know that 80% of all biopsies end up being nothing. So perhaps they're nothing, perhaps they're something. I don't know. I do know that what I have been doing isn't working and I don't need to have a biopsy to tell me that.

 I sat quietly while listening to the doctor tell me her recommendations. If nothing else, through this I have learned not to make any decisions right away. So when she asked me if I wanted to schedule the biopsies I told her I would need to think about it. I have since then respectfully declined.

Many of you may disagree with my decision and not understand why I am choosing not to have them done. Let me try to explain my thought process. What's the point? What purpose would the test serve?  I know what I have been doing isn't working. Maybe it's just me, but I don't see a good reason to have two more biopsies and two more titanium markers put into my body to tell me something I already know- I HAVE C*****!! To me, her recommendations to have two biopsies done was the equivalent of going to a restaurant and having the server try to sell me dessert. It was more about the business of making money and didn't serve any real purpose.


How do I feel about the results?

I was visibly upset the day of the ultrasound, though I didn't cry. Who wouldn't be, right? But admittedly, I wasn't expecting good results. I was fully prepared to hear that the mass had grown, just not as much as it did. After all, I could now feel it again when I wasn't able to before.

Now, I'm glad. I'm glad I got the results that I did because it was the kick in the gut that I needed. It gave me the motivation to give this all that I have.

Why wasn't it working?

Clearly, when I started on this path I had success. The mass was shrinking. So what happened?

I'll tell you what happened. I got comfortable. I looked at the plate of shredded cheese and thought to myself  one little pinch won't kill me. Soon that became one little pinch every time I fixed a plate for one of the kids. Then just as we all think that the calories from the kids plates don't count (or is that just me?) I started taking a bite here, a bite there. Nothing ever of any significance, but it all adds up. Then I realized that the salsa I was eating had sugar listed as an ingredient. Those are the two big no-no's right there- sugar and animal protein. Then even though I was on a vegan diet, except for those bites here and there, I wasn't eating nearly enough vegetables.

You may remember that I had been on supplements, but stopped taking them months ago due to lack of money. They are super expensive, costing us $800 monthly. At first there was money from fundraising that helped cover the costs but when that ran out I decided I would try another  less expensive regimen. In my defense, I've never cured c***** before. This is all trial and error. Basically, I have become my own guinea pig.

What is my plan now?

The plan is do what works. I had success before, so I need to go back to what I was doing. I'm juicing- greens, beets, carrots, apple- two 16 oz glasses a day, drinking my 32 oz of carrot juice a day, vitamin drinks, dark green leafy salads, various vegetable soups, and I'm back on my supplements - 80 a day, inferred light, fresh air, and rebounding.

I have given myself six weeks. If at the end of six weeks I haven't had significant progress, then I don't know what because I'm not even allowing myself to think of failing as an option. Failing isn't an option.

At the end of the day I want to be able to kiss those little faces goodnight and know that I did everything possible. Week one was flawless.

I've often said that I'm not a procrastinator, I just work better under pressure. Well, it's definitely crunch time. It's time to do this!!

C@ncer: A Blessing or a Curse?

When you’re sitting at the table of life and death is sitting in the chair across from you staring you in the face, I think it’s impossible for it not to seriously impact your life. When I heard that doctor tell me I had c***** back in February, it began a process in me that I have no real way of describing to anyone that has never had a similar experience.

These last 8 months have changed me. This c***** has changed me. It’s changed the way I think. It’s changed the way I feel. It’s changed the way I see the world. It's changed the way I see people. It’s changed the way I love. It’s changed how greatly I appreciate the people in my life.  It’s made me realize that every day is a gift.

From the time I got the diagnosis I had decisions to make.  I had choices, not just the medical ones. I could allow this to ruin my life, ruin my family, ruin me or I could choose to overcome.  I choose happiness over bitterness. I choose contentment over regret. I choose joy over contempt. Everyday.

I have never done the “why me?” I could see what an easy trap that could be to fall into and I imagine how hard it would be to climb back out. I choose not to even go there.

I don’t blame God. I don’t believe he gave me this. I do believe He allows us to go through trials to shape us and mold us into who He intended us to be, to draw us closer, to build our faith in Him. He takes these trials and uses them for our good.

I don’t pretend to know His entire plan for my life. What I do know is that His hand has been on me through this. I know for certain that He has spoken to me and guided my decisions. I will continue to seek Him and draw my strength from Him as I have from the beginning of this journey. I don’t believe I have gotten to this point just to fail.

So I pray. I pray for wisdom. I pray for guidance. I pray that I would do His will in this situation. I’m on my knees. Praying.

And if you’d ask me if this c***** has been a blessing or a curse, I choose to make it a blessing. Everyday.

September Ultrasound

So I had my ultrasound appointment today. On the bright side they were very nice. Everything else...pretty much sucked.

I don't have the written report, that will come in a couple of days, but the doctor did stop in to talk with me after the ultrasound was done.

I'm sorting through all the information in my head and I need to pray about what to do. I'm thinking I need six weeks to hit it hard, harder than ever. I haven't been doing all that I need to do, mostly due to lack of money. I haven't had supplements in months just because they are so expensive.

There's no doubt I need to go back to what I was doing before, to what I know was working and be extremely diligent.

I know this is extremely vague, but I need time to process everything.

Thank you all for the messages and texts that I received today. I really do appreciate your kind words, support, and prayers.

Ultrasound Eve

So tomorrow is the BIG day. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 3:15. I've opted to stay away from the main medical facilities in the area and made an appointment with a smaller independent imaging center in the city. My hope is that they don't ask too many questions, but in the event that they do, I'm hoping that by choosing a smaller, less assembly-line-type of place that maybe there will be less scrutinizing of my choice to not receive conventional treatment. A girl can dream, can't she?

And of course I'm a mess already. Mostly I'm nervous, but I'm also excited and maybe just a tiny bit scared. I wonder what it will show. I wonder if they'll tell me anything tomorrow or if I'll have to wait for the radiologist to send the results to my doctor. Has it grown? Has it shrunk? Has it spread? It's going to be a very long 18 hours.

I've given a lot of thought to what I might do if the results come back and it's measuring bigger than last time I had it checked in June.  I pretty much came to the conclusion that it's a big waste of time and energy to devote my thinking to what "might be". I'll wait for the results and deal with "what is".

So keep me in your prayers and I'll update when I know something.

Joy and Pain, Sunshine and Rain

A few years ago Bob and I were going through some issues as all marriages do. Committed to keeping our family intact we both were agreeable to going to counseling. It was not only helpful for us as a couple but I learned so much about myself that I previously hadn’t realized.

One of the things I learned was that I can very easily, without any hesitation, identify emotions that are negative such as anger, hurt, disappointment, resentment, bitterness, annoyed and depressed, but I struggled a lot with trying to put words to more positive emotions like joy, contentment, happiness and all those other mushy feelings.

The other huge epiphany I had was how difficult it is for me to ask for things I want or need.  Being straightforward is a definite challenge for me.  I know this may come as a surprise to many who know me because I am very opinionated and have no trouble debating topics and spouting off what I believe but that’s probably another issue I need to work out. The reason I think it’s so hard for me to ask for things is because I hate hearing the word “NO”. Hearing the word “no” feels like rejection to me. I hate feeling rejected.  I find it easier to hint around and be completely indirect. Unfortunately this behavior is rarely productive and leads to disappointment and frustration which eventually builds and builds and boils over into anger.

Stay with me, this is going somewhere….

So this morning I woke up knowing I had this doctor’s appointment... with a medical doctor. The first medical doctor I would be seeing since quitting chemo back in March. Now he already knows I quit chemo from way back when I had to take Bob to the doctor for his back.  But I still didn’t know what his reaction would be at today’s appointment.

So I was getting ready, nervous as all could be, butterflies fluttering and totally terrified because I had no idea what to expect. And oh yes, I was going to have to go in there and ask this doctor for something, a prescription for an ultrasound. And there was a very good possibility that he might say “NO”...ugh.

I’m okay the whole drive there which was probably 40 minutes because of morning rush hour traffic. I listened to music which is very relaxing to me and also works as a good distraction.

As soon as I pulled into my parking spot it hit me. It was time to pull on my big girl pants. I needed to walk in there, be confident and just ask him for what I needed.

Repeating over and over again in my head, the Lord perfects that which concerns me, the Lord perfects that which concerns me, I walked in with my pants pulled high and my head up.

After nervously waiting in the exam room for what seemed like forever but in reality was probably only 10 minutes the doctor entered and the first thing out of his mouth as he shakes my hand, “what can I do for you today?”. There it was, my opportunity to tell him what I needed. And that’s what I did. I was direct and to the point. I said “well, I was hoping you would agree to write me a prescription for an ultrasound to help me monitor my progress.” HA HA I did it!!! It felt so good, too. I might be onto something.

We talked for a good while. I filled him in on all that I had been doing. I explained thermography to him.  He even admitted to learning some things from me.

Not only was he agreeable to the prescription but he said that if there was anything else at all he could help me with or do for me to let him know. He printed out copies of the reports that the doctors from C***** Treatment Centers of America had sent to him from my time in Chicago. He said that after he gets the report from my ultrasound he would be happy to get a copy to me for my records.

 If I had made a list of what I wanted from the appointment I definitely would say that I got all that I wanted and more. It was a good day. I'm feeling well, happy. :)

    

Inquiring Minds Want to Know...

Okay, okay, okay. Many people keep asking so I am sure there are even more people wondering and the answer is.........

Nope, I have not gotten another ultrasound. I have an appointment with my primary care physician on Wednesday, September 18th. Let's all pray that he is agreeable to helping me monitor. That would be huge. That would allow me to spend money on supplements instead of tests.

Part of the reason that I have not gotten another test yet is that between trying to get back into work routine, back to school schedule and after school activities life is crazy. Brennan who is a few weeks shy of being 13 is playing for two soccer teams and has a combined 8 practices or games a weeks, not to mention practices and games for the younger boys as well. It's soccer seven days a week. I'm not complaining, in fact, I love it. There is absolutely no other way I would prefer to spend my time than watching my boys play soccer.


Soccer is pretty much the only reason I love this time of year. I certainly don't enjoy the change in weather, autumn approaching, falling leaves or soon to be snow. I would be perfectly happy with hot and humid everyday, wearing tanks and flip flops. But, I live in Pittsburgh. Need I say more?

So I also know that if I want to enjoy watching my boys play soccer for years to come that I must not neglect my health. After my appointment I will hopefully know how I will be monitoring and I can schedule a followup appointment soon. I will update when I know something.

Until then please keep me in prayer.

Crazy is Okay

Now that my hair is growing back I frequently get asked the question "so, you're all done with treatments now?" by people who see me but may not know or follow my story. There's always a hesitation on my part before answering. During those few seconds before I answer I'm contemplating whether to answer honestly or just say "yep, all done" and leave it at that.

Each time I've chosen to tell the truth by simply saying "after much prayer I've decided to quit conventional treatment and have chosen to heal myself holistically". Most times this results in a look of complete shock, as you can imagine, followed by awkward silence, unless of course I'm accompanied by someone who knows my story.  In that case, it always seems that whoever I am with feels the need to defend my decision.

Why not just say I'm done and leave it at that? It would be easier. I wouldn't be subjecting myself to silent stares or quiet criticism.

In my mind I feel as though that would somehow mean I am ashamed or embarrassed of my choice which couldn't be further from the truth. From the time I said I was done with chemo I haven't, even for one second, thought I had made the wrong decision. I sometimes think it sounds completely crazy, which I'm sure is how others view it, but never once have I thought about changing my mind and going back to chemo. I am proud of my choice. I have never been more sure of any decision ever in my life.

As far as me being viewed as "crazy", that's okay with me. All through history there have been people who have been called crazy by others who didn't understand them or their actions that in the end they were right. Where would we be if Noah didn't build his ark because everyone thought he was nuts? Being called crazy didn't stop Christopher Columbus from sailing his ship, turns out the world is round after all.  So I'm okay with being thought of as crazy, not that I am comparing myself to either of these people but you get my point. This will end one of two ways; my greatest failure or my greatest accomplishment. Time will tell.

Anyone who has had c***** knows that as soon as you tell people of your diagnosis there are so many offers from people who have gone through the process willing to share their story, offer advice, and support you in every way possible. I experienced this just after I was diagnosed.

After I decided to quit chemotherapy I didn't really have another club of supporters cheering me on. Having c***** is lonely, having c***** and treating it holistically is even lonelier. There is really no way to describe it unless you've been there. So for those of you that have sent me messages, sharing your stories with me, THANK YOU. I sincerely appreciate you reaching out to me. It's a little less lonely because of you.

Many have asked if I have had another sonogram. The answer is no. I started back to work a few weeks ago. Last week was the first week back with students. Now that I'm back into the swing of things I plan on scheduling it sometime soon.

There is another group of people that I would like to say thank you to, that is everyone who donated towards my costs. With a herd of children, when money is always tight, trying to fund a holistic approach to healing seemed like an impossible feat. I jumped in head first not knowing if it would be possible to even buy the supplements needed. The money donated, small and large, from individuals and fund raisers, was greatly appreciated. Thank you for being a blessing in my life.

Lastly, thank you for all your prayers. In my last post I asked that everyone pray for my hormones to be stabilized. Tonight I am thanking God for answering those prayers. I am feeling better, my face is starting to clear up, and the other symptoms have gone away. Amen for small miracles.

I Wonder....

I posted a story on my Facebook page that I really feel is worth posting again here for everyone else who hasn't read it yet.

I am completely amazed by this story. This woman, Ann, cured her c***** by only changing one thing. The only thing she did was drink carrot juice. She didn't take any supplements. She didn't change her eating habits. Just drank carrot juice. I'm blown away by this story!!!  Check it out for yourself.                    

http://www.chrisbeatcancer.com/ann-cameron-cured-her-cancer-with-carrot-juice/

This story made me think of scurvy. I'm sure most of you have heard of scurvy. Early symptoms are malaise and lethargy. After 1–3 months, patients develop shortness of breath and bone pain. Other symptoms include skin changes with roughness, easy bruising, gum disease, loosening of teeth, poor wound healing, and emotional changes. In the late stages, jaundice, generalized edema, neuropathy, fever, convulsions, and eventual death are frequently seen. 

The cure for scurvy was first published in 1617 in The Surgeon’s Mate by English military surgeon John Woodall.  It was completely ignored by the medical community. (hmm, where have we seen that before?)

In 1753 (136 years later!!) naval surgeon James Lind published his discovery in
A Treatise of The Scurvy, which was also ignored. The medical establishment insisted that the testimonials of eating citrus fruit to reverse scurvy were merely “anecdotal” and not based on “scientific evidence”.  (Imagine that!!)

Fortunately James Lind persevered and about 50 years later citrus fruit was finally accepted and used for the prevention and treatment of scurvy on sailing vessels. So, in summary:

The  cure for scurvy was ignored for almost 200 years!! 200!!! 

All that needless suffering when all they had to do to cure it was eat some fruit. Unbelievable.

Wonder if c***** is like scurvy. Wonder if all you have to do to cure it is to find what it is that your body is missing, craving. Wonder if by giving your body what it needs you reverse the c*****.  Wonder if this is  like the period of time that they denied fruit could cure scurvy. Wonder if in 200 years they, the medical establishment, will finally be willing to admit that the true cause of c***** is an overload of toxins and a weakened immune system. Wonder if they know it now but won't say anything because there is no money to be made by curing people of c***** from fruits and vegetables. 

When I went to the first doctor after being diagnosed he told me that 90%-95% of c***** was just bad luck. BAD LUCK!! Does he really believe that?  Because I don't. That doesn't sound very scientific to me. And if c***** is due to bad luck then I guess the luck of the people in this country is getting worse.

Have you checked out the latest statistics? They vary but I have seen as many as 1 in 3 will develop c***** in his/her lifetime. Look to your left, look to your right. That's it right there. One of the three of you will get it.

We live in a toxic world. We eat it, drink it, breathe it, rub it all over our bodies in an attempt to make us look pretty, smell better, not smell, look tan...etc. It's everywhere. When you add that to the lack of nutrients in our pseudo food it's no wonder there's a c***** epidemic. But try getting the medical establishment to admit to that.

Show me the medical doctor who asks how my diet is, because that's never discussed. All they ever want to do is treat symptoms, not the cause of the problems. And of course I realize I am generalizing. I'm sure there are rare exceptions.

The other 5-10% of c*****, according to that doctor, is caused by genetics. I fall into that 5-10% because I do have the BRAC1 gene. That may make me more susceptible than most of the population but it doesn't have to determine my fate. I do that by eating better, drinking clean water, and avoiding those things which are known to cause c*****.  And my chances of getting it a second time are now no greater than yours. 

B17: More than Just an Aircraft

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor do I pretend to be one. This is not a medical site and nothing in this post should be taken as medical advice.

Also, I apologize for the ADD format of this post. I thought about trying to fix it, but well, I honestly just didn't feel like it. I'm tired and I'd rather just get the update done even if it is kind of scatter brained.

So here it is.

Okay, so a few weeks ago I decided to switch things up. I'm still eating vegan, although not as much raw as I should be (and I'm dreaming of burgers) and I'm still drinking that darn carrot juice, so much that the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet are orange. I swear I'm not using tanning lotion.

So what's changed? I'll tell you.

We all know of the apricot. We also all know that inside of an apricot is a pit. But who knew there was something inside the pit? I certainly didn't until all this started.  If you crack open the pit of an apricot there is a kernel inside. It actually looks a lot like an almond, though it doesn't taste like one. This kernel is said to have anti-c*****ous properties and something called B17. I've watched a couple of documentaries about it, in addition to reading a lot about it. I'm not going to get into specifics but if you want to watch or read about it you can try googling B17, amygdalin, or laetrile.

Apricot kernels aren't the only seeds to contain "B17". It's said to be in other fruit seeds as well but in lower concentrations. So my new rule is eat the fruit, eat the seeds. I must say, apple seeds are not as hard as I thought they would be.  

Taking these kernels was something I had been wanting to try for awhile, but I was on so many supplements I was afraid to add anything else for fear of an interaction with something I was already doing. That's all I need to do is die of some strange interaction between treatments. 

Let's back up a few weeks. I was getting an upset stomach from one of the supplements I was on. By upset, I mean vomiting. I don't know exactly which one was causing it since I was taking so many. I did have it narrowed down to three. It was at that point I stopped taking everything. I thought maybe I should just give my stomach a rest. That's when I decided to take these apricot kernels instead. 

I started with taking one an hour. After a few days I worked my way up to 24 a day. The plan is to add back in some of the supplements, not all, one at a time to make sure there isn't any reaction and if there is I'll know what caused it. As of right now the only other thing I am taking is vitamin C. I'm also drinking Essiac tea twice a day. 

So far, so good. I've been doing this for about two weeks and I haven't noticed any adverse side effects. 

The lump is status quo as far as I can tell.  It's almost time to have it checked again. And since he already knows I quit chemo, I am considering asking my primary care physician for a script to get an ultrasound rather than going where I had gone before. If I can get a script from the doctor my insurance with cover it. Why spend $160 if you don't have to. I think he'll work with me, although there is always the possibility that he won't. My thought is it won't hurt to ask.

Bob left this morning to take the kids camping. They were meeting up with some friends of ours. Under normal circumstances I would have gone. Not because I love to camp, but because I enjoy the family time. My kind of camping would be in a hotel with a pool, not in a tent in some mud (or rocks, as it happened the one year).  I did however turn down the invitation to go this time. Thinking about the food situation for me while camping just made it all seem not worth it. Besides, when is the last time I had a weekend all by myself? NEVER!! 

I've enjoyed the time I've had to myself. I got to take a nice, long, hot bath (with no one knocking on the door), I went shopping for new clothes since none of mine fit (I'm in a size 6 pants now. Woo-hoo!!) I made myself a gluten free pizza (no cheese of course) and I started watching a movie.(Then I stopped the movie to write this.) 

It's also my last weekend of my summer break. It's back to work for me on Wednesday. I complain about having to go back so much earlier than my kids but really it helps to have all the start dates staggered. It eases me back into the crazy, hectic schedule that follows; work for me, school for the kids, soccer x3.

 For months I had been having bone pain in my right forearm as a result of the shots of Neulasta I had for the low blood count that was caused by the chemo. Yep, imagine that, side effects of the drug to treat the side effects...ugh! Bone pain is listed as the "less serious" side effects. You should read the more serious side effects list.  Anyway, I was lying in bed last night when I realized that the pain was finally gone. God is good, restoring my body little by little.

Someone had mentioned to me once that by reading this they knew how to pray for me. So if you're a praying person please pray for my hormones to normalize. It's very evident to me that this wasn't an issue before the chemo and is more than likely a result of it. I'm sure my family would love to have a more even tempered, less agitated mommy. And Mommy would really like breasts that aren't sore 90% of the time. (I know, TMI...sorry)

So I think that's it. I'm good, getting better and healthier and hopefully shrinking tumors along the way.

Orangutans are Cute....Right?

Over the past few days I have gotten several texts and messages asking how I am doing and realized it's been awhile since I last posted.

After writing the last update I was lying in bed thinking about everything and it hit me. I became overwhelmed and started sobbing. Sobbing. I have definitely shed more than a few tears during this journey but this time was different. These tears were ones of complete joy and amazement. I had never sobbed tears of joy before, ever.

I've read many stories of people who have walked this path before me, but when I actually sit and think about me being one of those people, it still seems so unreal to me. There's still a small part of me that thinks the other part of me is crazy.

" I did what? Quit chemo to cure c***** with food!!"

Yeah, that seems totally crazy to me, and I believe in what I'm doing. I can only imagine how that must have sounded to everyone else when I told them.

I've been very fortunate that even if people thought I was completely off my rocker, no one, well, almost no one, made me feel that way. I'm sure people were thinking it, saying it to each other, but not to me. And for that I am very grateful.  When I am c*****-free you all can share with me how crazy you thought I was. (Not yet!!)

As I've mentioned in a previous post I switched out the headcoverings for ball cap style hats weeks ago. The only time I was rocking a turban was to church, but at this point I'm not wearing one there either. The last time I put one on was more than 2 weeks ago and I hated how it made me feel. I felt like a c***** victim and I refuse to where them anymore. Although, my hair still isn't to the point where I feel comfortable not wearing something.

My hair is definitely taking its sweet time growing back. It's been months since chemo. I had the first treatment in the beginning of March and the second (and last) treatment at the end of March. But still, I have little hair.

I have a sufficient amount of hair the two inches above my ears and around the back of my head, which is why I can get away with ball caps. But the top, the top of my head has some issues. It's about 1/2 inch long and sticks straight up. I look like a baby orangutan, no offense to baby orangutans. And it's still so thin you can see my scalp. I was trimming it to allow the new hair to catch up, but at this point I am just going to let it grow. And hopefully it will grow through this ridiculous awkward stage.

Last week I ran into an acquaintance from one of the kid's baseball teams from the past. I hadn't seen this parent in a couple of years. After the usual how've-you-been- greetings, she said very excitedly let me see your hair. Apparently she hadn't heard. After I gave her the short version of my story she told me that she just thought I had gotten a short haircut.

AWESOME!! I loved that she didn't know. I loved that she just thought I had gotten all my hair cut off.

The truth is, I don't often even think about the c*****. The things that I do have just become part of my day,   routine. I'm just living life. (Not a very exciting life, but still...)

The longer this goes on the less scary it is. All the symptoms I experienced last month that I found so terrifying, I had again this month and it wasn't any big deal because I had already been there. It was the not knowing if what I was doing was going to work that was so worrying. Now that I know that this is working, I can relax and just do what I need to do.

I was cleaning my living room about a week or so ago and I had a realization. Finally, after months of feeling drained and tiring very easily, I felt good. I felt normal. Something that I thought I would never feel again. As much as I dislike cleaning, I am so grateful to be able to without being exhausted afterwards.

I even mowed the grass the other day. I had forgotten how much I enjoy mowing the grass. No, seriously, I do. The lawnmower drowns out all the noise of the world (especially kids) and gives you time to think without any distractions. Plus it's great exercise. And it stays nicer longer than anything you do inside the house when the kids go around messing up everything you just cleaned.

I have days that are more frustrating than others. Some days I just want a giant burger with lots of cheese and bacon, days that I miss having my long hair, days that I wish I could just leave the house and not have to worry about packing a cooler with carrot juice. I have those days, but they're few and passing. Overall, I'm good.

Ultrasound results

If you haven't liked "My Six Letter Swear Word" facebook page I would encourage you to. I occasionally post mini-updates if I don't have the time to update my blog. I also find it easier to share photos, articles, and links to documentaries on facebook.

Okay, now on with the expanded version of the results from my ultrasound.

Bob has back issues, has for years, and was in a lot of pain. You know it's bad when he says he needs to go to the doctor. So yesterday started with a trip to our primary care physician, the same doctor who I saw after finding my lump. He could barely walk let alone drive, so I had to take him.

It's a fairly small practice of family practitioners. If you're not familiar with what a family practitioner is, they provide continuing and comprehensive health care for the individual and family across all ages. I've been with them through four pregnancies, 13+ years. As you can imagine, having five children, over the years I've spent a lot of time there and am very well known by the nurses and other staff members. 

This was going to be the first time I had been there since quitting conventional treatment. I was nervous about what kind of questioning I might encounter. Anyone who doesn't follow the normal protocols of the medical establishment, such as myself, is often scrutinized by medical doctors. 

We made it all the way through Bob's appointment and just when I thought I was in the clear the doctor popped his head back in the door and said, "oh, and I meant to ask you, how are your treatments going?" 

Darn it! It was the moment of truth. 

I said, "well, you're a medical doctor, so you probably aren't going to agree with what I'm doing, but I quit chemo after two rounds and I'm treating it holistically." 

Eek! I did it. 

The first time I had to do it. I never told any of the other c***** doctors what my plan was. Once I decided I was done with chemo I had Bob tell them I wasn't coming back. After that I avoided all their phone calls. At the time, I was really too fragile to hear anyone criticize me, call me crazy or question my decisions. 

As it turned out, he didn't do any of those things. 

We had a short conversation about the types of things I was doing. He admitted that doctors don't know everything and sometimes aren't sure how to treat certain conditions, that as a doctor it should be about finding what the patient is comfortable with and finding a way to work together. In the end, he wished me well and told me to keep him updated. 

Phew!! 

I must say, I'm in a much better place mentally now than I was a couple of months ago. I could have withstood the scrutiny, but I am very thankful that I didn't have to.

All this and I still haven't shared my good news.

On the way home I needed to make a stop for candy for Aiden's very, very late birthday party which is tomorrow. His birthday was in January but because of the circumstances he never had a party, which I had promised him. While I was in the store Bob took it upon himself to call the thermography/sonogram office. So when I got back out to the truck he informed me that they mailed the results. Mailed them, really? 

I know they told me they would email them to me. I remember thinking that was strange because they had mailed me the results of the thermogram. I have no idea how long the results were sitting right there in my mailbox. If I was a normal person and checked my mail everyday I would have had them earlier. But there they were, waiting for me when I got home.

The report is as follows:

Lt. breast- one cyst found in the 3 o'clock position (who knew they used a clock to describe locations in the breast? I didn't until all this started), no solid masses seen, enlarged lymph nodes (normal for the situation) and the rest of the tissue has a fibrocystic appearance ( which I already suspected)

Rt. breast- .89 cm mass in the 11 o'clock position (location of the original tumor), solid mass with smooth borders, wider than it is tall, enlarged lymph nodes (again normal for the circumstances) rest of the tissue has a fibrocystic appearance

So there it is. The tumor is less than 1 cm wide and less than that tall. From the images they took, which I have a copy of, it appears to be nearly flat. 

What I would love to do is take the measurements from the three exams I've had and make clay models of the tumor. I know that sounds strange but I think it would help me visualize how much it has shrunk since first finding it. It is a three dimensional shape and sometimes I forget that and think of it two dimensionally. Just a thought.

Anyway... 

In February, at the time of my diagnosis, it was measured at 2.5 cm. It did shrink after the first round of chemo. 

It was measured again at the end of March, at the time of the second round of chemo,1.5 cm wide by 1 cm tall. It was still palpable. After the second round of chemo there seemed to be no change and was still palpable. 

It remained that way up until I started having swelling and pain in my breasts a few weeks ago. After the enlarged breast tissue went down the lump felt very tiny.

Now, it's measuring .89 cm. wide. It is no longer palpable.

I'm actually glad it isn't gone. Why? Because I don't want there to be any doubts in anyone's mind what cured this c*****. I don't want anyone to be able to say it was the chemo. At this point, approximately 11 weeks post chemo, I think it is safe to assume the chemo is out of my system. 

There are, I'm sure, many people who doubt what I am doing will work. Heck, even I had my doubts. I had moments of "oh my gosh, what were you thinking?" 

I don't anymore. I'm confident that this is working. 

Even if others doubt that what I am doing had anything to do with the shrinkage of the tumor, there is one undeniable fact; it's not growing. I have completely stopped it from growing and spreading. 

It's recommended I follow up with another ultrasound in 3 months. I'm leery of waiting that long. I will probably repeat in 6 weeks. At that point, it will be evident of what is curing this c*****. I'll be able to compare the measurements from this ultrasound with the ones from the next.

There's one thing I wanted to clear up. 

I originally had said that I was diagnosed as stage 1. That's incorrect. I was actually stage 2.  I know it must seem strange to not know something that important. 

Here's what happened.

When I met with the surgeon in Pittsburgh, the first c***** doctor I saw, I asked him, "so, I'm stage 1, right?" nodding my head yes. 

It wasn't until much later, in fact, after I was looking at the paper that read "unfavorable", that I had memories of that visit. I remember so clearly the look on his face and the gesture he made with his hands, the shrugging of his shoulders, while he said "sure" as the answer to my question. 

When I went to Chicago to continue treatment, they said I was stage 2. I thought it was odd but I didn't really question it. Why? Probably because I was still overwhelmed, still trying to process everything that was happening. Maybe it just seemed not as bad that way. I really don't know.

There are two things that would qualify breast c***** as stage two:

1. if it has spread to the lymph nodes, no matter the size

or 

2. if it is bigger than 2cm, even if there is no lymph node involvement

I never had lymph node involvement, but my tumor was larger than 2 cm. (2.5 cm) 

So technically, I was stage 2 not stage 1. Not that it matters to me now. The regimen is the same whether I'm stage 1 or stage 4. It works all the same. Just wanted to clear that up.

As the results have time to sink in, I'm in such amazement. It really seems so surreal to me. I'm not sure I have the words to describe how I feel exactly just yet. I know I'm feeling thankful and blessed, but even those two words don't quite encompass it all.

Knowing that it's working just gives me the motivation to keep going strong and pushing through till the end. 

And that championship baseball game, Aiden's team won, 7-4 

Not Quite Good News Yet

I had my sonogram today and it went well. Just as I thought, the images are sent out to be read by a radiologist. The results are then emailed to me, so I'll be checking my email just about every second.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm really excited about the possible results. I have seen a complete change in the fibrocystic condition of my breasts that I was experiencing. Without all the extra swollen, enlarged tissue I can easily feel what I need to. And I think it's good. Though the technician wasn't able to tell me much she did verify that the one lump I was concerned about is a cyst. YAY!!

Now for the fun part...waiting.

A Long Overdue Update

Ahhh, summer break!! I can finally concentrate on what I need to do, and it's a long list.

Here's an update on what's been going on.

When I had the thermography screening done last month it showed that I had a condition known as estrogen dominance, basically a hormone imbalance. I have no reason to think this was the case before all this started, but rather a side effect of the treatments I had. My ovaries had stopped working for a period of time and were just functioning again at the time of the screening. So maybe if I had left things alone it would have all leveled out, but I didn't. On the advise of the doctor, I started using a plant based progesterone cream. I felt uneasy about using it and stopped. A couple of days after I stopped using the cream my period started, (sorry men, I know how much you love hearing about that stuff) and my breasts got extremely lumpy, not unusual for that time of the month for some women, but for someone in my situation pretty scary. Now, my first thought was probably the same as yours, it's spreading. I spent a short amount of time panicking, by short I mean maybe 5 minutes. Then I spent some time trying to rationalize with myself- These lumps hurt, c***** lumps don't hurt most of the time. These lumps weren't there before my cycle. They are probably just cysts. Right?

After panicking and rationalizing I handed it over to God. "I let the peace of God rule in my heart and I refuse to worry about anything." (Colossians 3:15) Besides the fact that it doesn't feel good to be in a constant state of worry, it's not good for me and it's counterproductive in my treatment. It also doesn't change anything. This is what I keep telling myself.

Then my period was over and the lumps and pain were still there...another brief moment of panic followed by more rationalizing. It was at that point I read about fibrocystic breast condition. Most of the symptoms seemed to make sense and it's brought on by hormone fluctuations. But this still poses a problem because how can I tell if there is growth in the original tumor with all these other lumps and bumps going on. Ugh!

I talked with Bob about it and we decided I would try the progesterone cream again. This time I prayed that if I wasn't suppose to use it then please God make that obvious to me. And oh my was it ever so obvious! Within a half of an hour of using it I was insane. I was acting so irrationally and I knew it, but I couldn't stop. I was angry and throwing things around. I was so irritable I didn't even want to be around myself. It was the same for most of the day at work. By the end of the day all I wanted to do was lay on the couch and be miserable. When I looked it up, it turns out many woman have the same bad reaction to progesterone cream. So I won't be using that anymore. But as a result of using that stupid cream one time, my period started again just a few days later, just 2 weeks after the other one. So to say I am an emotional wreck might be an understatement. I'm moody and miserable.....YUCK!

So is the c***** spreading or are these lumps just cysts? I have no clue. I'm leaning towards cysts.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow, Wednesday June19. It's of the breast area only. Based on what they have to say I will know whether or not a broader look may be necessary. If these are cysts then they will be able to tell the difference during the ultrasound.  I'm assuming that just with anything else I won't know the full results tomorrow. They probably have to send it out to be read.

 Besides lumpy breasts and mood swings everything else is good. My stomach issues are 100% better. I can eat raw fruits and vegetables again without any problems. My energy level is probably normal for any 30 something year old who has been inactive for months, but it's improving.

I was thinking back a few days ago to right after I had chemo for the first time. I wasn't even able to walk the  short hallway at work without being exhausted afterward and my feet numb. Now I am able to go for long walks and I seek out big hills and steps. When you're in that moment of being completely drained of all energy you can't imagine ever feeling normal again, but I do. Physically, I feel really good.

Even mentally, most of the time I'm fine. This moodiness has been just over the past few days.

I am really excited that I have found a way to get high doses of vitamin C which will be more time efficient and cost effective than getting the IV. Getting an IV meant driving an hour, sitting for a few hours while it dripped, and then driving home. They said I should do this 2-3 times a week at $90 a pop plus gas, not to mention all the time I wouldn't be with my children.

I just started taking high doses orally. I've read from several sources how to reach your tolerance level to make sure it is effective. So that's what I've been working on the last two days. In short, you take hourly doses of vitamin C powder until you have watery stool. The more sick you are the higher your tolerance will be. As you get better your tolerance will be less. Pretty cool!! I still haven't reached my tolerance level yet.

The other thing I have added to my daily regimen is garlic...yep garlic. I may not smell too pretty but it's supposed to be very good at fighting c*****. I cut up two cloves daily and swallow the chunks. YUM! I apologize ahead of time to anyone who has to be around me. I'll try to keep my distance.

And lastly, my hair. I know this isn't much of an update, I still don't have any. I shouldn't say any because I do have some. I trimmed it again just the other day using a number three attachment on the clippers. There are a few thick patches but for the most part there's still not enough to cover my entire scalp. I have just recently traded in my headcoverings for a cooler, more breathable ball cap.

To wrap this up, I'm good, better than what people probably expect. "The peace of God which passeth all understanding keeps my heart and my mind through Christ Jesus. And things which are good, and pure, and perfect, and lovely, and of good report, I think on these things. (Philippians 4:7-8)

Eating as Though My Life Depends on it....Oh wait, it Does

What does growth rate mean when you're talking about tumors?  Well, let me explain it to you the way it was explained to me by one of my doctors later in this process.

If you took 100 cells from the tumor, the percentage of those cells that divided is the growth rate. If 10 cells divided out of that 100 cells the growth rate would be 10%. Anything under a 10% growth rate is considered favorable. If 20 out of the 100 cells divided the growth rate would be 20%. Anything over a 20% growth rate is considered unfavorable.

What was my growth rate? The pathology report stated that the growth rate of my not so lovely c***** was 90%....90%...90%!!! That's pretty darn unfavorable.

I was sitting in the doctor's office during my first visit since being diagnosed when I was first told this number. He never mentioned the unfavorable part. I had no idea what that number meant, none at all. I had never heard of growth rate before. Sure, 90% seemed kind of high, but I had nothing to compare it to. Even when the doctor said it was the highest he had ever seen in his 26 years of practicing, it didn't mean much to me.

I was recently sorting through all of my papers from all of the doctors I've seen over the last few months. I came across a report and the word "unfavorable" jumped out at me. Unfavorable!? It, quite frankly, annoyed me. It was at that point all the pieces started connecting.

Most people have their c***** on average 2-5 years before being diagnosed, so I have read. I was told I only had mine for several months, 6-9 at most, and it was already a 2.5 centimeter mass. I can, looking back, remember physiological changes that occurred during this time that lead me to feel pretty certain I know when the c***** started.

In retrospect, I can understand why all the doctors seemed so panicky after examining me, why they all kept asking how I didn't notice this before, and wondering if I had recently lost weight, making the lump more noticeable. It all makes more sense now.    

In a very short period of time, still before I had been diagnosed, I practically watched it grow. When I first found the lump it was only palpable and not visible. Soon I was able to see it bulging through the skin. I recall being in a near state of panic. At the rate it was growing, I felt as though it was going to take over my entire body before they even diagnosed me.

Fortunately, for years Bob and I didn't have any cable, only Netflix. We watched many documentaries during that time. Ones about food, food and c*****, medical industry, big pharmaceutical companies, alternative health practitioners, and many other subjects. When I put this together with what I knew about food's relationship to health from our experience using the Feingold program with our children to correct ADHD-like behavior, it made a lot of sense to me. 

But when I was facing the possibility of having c*****, I wasn't thinking sensibly. I fully admit I wasn't thinking clearly during this time. I was too scared and too overwhelmed to formulate any plan.

Bob, on the other hand, was quick acting and on a mission to "fix" me. Being a jack of all trades, he can fix anything. In his mind he could fix me, too.  Remembering what we had watched years before, he was very adamant that I not wait for a diagnosis to start on a vegan diet. From that point on I didn't see any more growth. I honestly believe that this is what kept the tumor from growing any bigger or spreading.

I have in past posts described my dilemma in making my decision of a holistic approach vs. a conventional medical approach. I did originally decide to go with chemotherapy. After the first round of chemo the mass did shrink a considerable amount. After the second round, which was a different, less powerful drug, there didn't seem to be any change in the size at all.

Once starting chemotherapy I didn't follow a vegan diet very strictly at all.  I can even recall a time after getting the phone call when they told me I was BRCA1 positive binge eating chocolate, and just not caring at all that I was giving my c***** the other thing it loved to feed off of, sugar.

I find it very odd that doctors don't tell you to avoid certain foods that feed c*****. In fact, I got the complete opposite advice from the hospital. They sent me home with a pamphlet, "What to Eat While on Chemo?".  It said eat comfort foods like ice cream, pizza, and chocolate. REALLY??? If that's what you chose to eat against medical advice that would be your decision to do so, but for that to be the advice from doctors is absolutely ludicrous to me.

Anyway, all this rambling to bring me to the point of my story. Here I am two months post chemo treatment and my lump is not growing. It went from a super charged, highly aggressive, rapidly growing mass to not growing. You can not attribute the lack of growth to anything other than what I am eating. The chemo drugs, at this point, are completely out of my system. That is amazing to me.

Not growing is good, but it isn't my goal. Obviously, I want this thing gone. But trying to do it while working has been a challenge. I've also tried not to let this interfere too much with my children's lives, making it a point to go to every soccer and baseball game just as I always have. With baseball and soccer coming to an end and only 3 weeks of work left until summer vacation, I'm putting my plan on paper because it's just so easy to forget all the things I want to be doing. I either forget to dosomething or don't have the energy at the end of a long day.  I plan to make ridding my body of this c***** my work for the summer.

As far as an update, I did have a vitamin C IV last Monday and I am scheduled to have another one on Wednesday, May 29th. I am currently looking for a doctor closer to my house who can provide those for me. It would save both time and money since the one I am currently seeing is a 100 mile round trip. In a suburban that's not cheap.

My hair continues to be slow about growing back. As my sister pointed out to me, a baby's hair doesn't all grow in at the same time. It takes awhile before it's thick. All of my children were still practically bald on their first birthday. I hope it happens quicker than that. In the meantime, I will keep reminding myself, it's just hair.

The school that my children attend and the school where I work did a joint fundraiser on my behalf and raised $1,130. This will be incredibly helpful in my journey as the monthly cost of everything I am doing is about $2,000. Thank you to everyone who bought/sold/made hoagies. I really do appreciate all of your support. And thank you to everyone else who has sent cards, notes and donations. I am truly feeling blessed. I enter all offline donations onto my Go Fund Me page so that everyone can see the incredible way in which God is providing for us during this time. If you wish to see it there is a link both on my blog page and my facebook page.

Until next week....