No Regrets

Imagine for just one moment that you were an inmate on death row. The day had finally come for you to be put to death. You lie down on the bed. They place the IV in your arm and you know it will only be minutes until you pass away. Imagine the fear you would feel.

That is exactly how I felt while I was receiving my last chemo treatment. I wish I could convey to you how real it was to me that I was going to die. So real that as I laid there sobbing I was texting Bob to please tell our children how much I loved them, and that they were the last thing I thought about before I died.  Now obviously, I didn't die, but the feelings were real. 

Let's say for argument sake that I'm wrong about everything. I'm completely nuts. None of this works.  I still won't, under any circumstances, ever get chemotherapy again. I don't want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth sick, in bed, worrying about fevers, dealing with side effects, and not being able to be a mother to my children. I don't believe that the answer to healing c***** is pumping poison into my body in hopes of killing the bad cells quicker than it kills me. This includes radiation.

So with those two, chemo and radiation, off the table, the only other conventional option left is surgery. I haven't completely ruled it out, but every time I even start to entertain the thought everything inside of me starts screaming. Maybe it's me being selfish or vain. Or could it be something more than that? Could it be that our bodies instinctually know what is best for us.  Who knows, maybe at some point in the future I will consider surgery, but as for right now it's not an option either. 

I'm not saying that chemo doesn't work. Obviously it does work in some cases. I know people who it has been successful for. But in my particular case things didn't look too promising. If I were to go the chemo route first, my immune system would be destroyed, because that is what it does to you, and then natural therapy has less of a chance of working.

Most often, these are the stories you hear. After all the conventional treatments have failed, and the c***** has spread to multiple organs, and there is nothing more doctors can do, a person will turn to holistic treatments as a last ditch effort, but by then it's too late.

Let's talk statistics for a second. Originally, when I first found out that I had c*****, I thought I had an 85% chance of surviving the next five years. That doesn't sound too bad, right? That's what the odds are for someone diagnosed with stage 2 breast c*****. I soon found out that when it is specifically Triple Negative breast c*****, the kind I have, the odds drop to 77% chance of surviving the next five years. This is because it is usually more aggressive and harder to treat than other kinds. In time, upon further researching, I realized that the specific type of Triple Negative I have only accounts for about 6% of all Triple Negative diagnoses. (Read that again, it was pretty important) I also learned that this specific kind of Triple Negative breast c**** that I was diagnosed with is the most aggressive form of breast c***** and usually has an infiltration rate of 45%. And the survival rate drops. I laughed when I read that, not that it was at all funny. I laughed because if mine only had an infiltration rate of 45%, I would consider myself lucky. Yep, 90% right here. 90% of those deadly cells are capable of reproducing. That means mine has the capability of growing twice as fast as what the most aggressive breast c***** usually tops off at. It has the capability of nearly doubling when it grows. It. is. a. beast. And the survival rate drops. I can't help but ask myself, if anything between 10-20% growth rate is considered unfavorable, then what is a growth rate of 90% considered?

All those statistics are for women who choose to go the typical route, chemotherapy, radiation, surgery. But whoever said I was typical? After two rounds of chemo, and much prayer, I knew that conventional wasn't the way for me. It's been over a year now since I have had chemo and I have been able to successfully contain this potentially rapidly growing c***** to just the original tumor through prayer, diet, exercise, vitamin C IV's and injections, and loads of natural vitamins and herbs. But, containing isn't good enough. The idea is to destroy it completely. Which is exactly what I plan to do.

I fully believe that I will overcome this diagnosis and go on to watch my children grow up and have children of their own. But, if in the end I'm wrong, I have zero regrets. I am spending each day being able to be a mother to my children, not sick and in bed. I have been able to attend every baseball and soccer game this past year and coach their Junior Bible Quiz team all the way to Nationals. I have been able to live a life making lasting memories with my children. Something I would not have been able to do had I continued with traditional treatments. I am completely at peace with my choice, regardless of the outcome, which by the way, looks favorable. ;)