Welcome to my Moment

Nearly everyday I can hold it all together. I smile. I laugh. I live an altered, but normal life. I don't often think on the negative thoughts, the harsh reality of my situation. Today is that rare exception. I'm having a day.

It started with an overwhelming sadness for all the families that have loved ones dealing with stupid c*****, especially when it's a child. One family mourns the loss of their four year old daughter to brain c***** while another sits in a hospital room with their two year old son who has leukemia. The sadness soon turns to anger and  I just want to scream and start smashing things.

I hate it. I hate all of it. I hate that parents have to say good bye to their babies and I hate that babies have to say good bye to their parents. The thought that my children might have to grow up without me, well, is quite frankly, unbearable.

A few weeks ago, as I was sitting at a soccer game, one of the other parents was talking about two years from now when Brennan would be playing soccer for the high school. My first thought was, gee I don't even know if I'll be around to see that. Of course, I didn't say anything out loud that would give any indication that that was my thought. That was the first time I had thought about a future event in my children's life and the possibility of me not being in it. I have cried at the thought of my children not having their mother, but this was different. It seemed more personal if that makes any sense.

So, I lay here, crying. Doubting everything. Hating everything. And fearful of what my future holds.

It's these moments, when the thoughts are more than I can handle, when there's nothing else to hold on to, all I can do is pray. Cry and pray.

By morning, everything will be back to status quo and my moment will be over... until next time.