Blah, Blah, Blah

That is exactly how I feel.  It's been a rough few days. Between the medicine they have me on to increase my white blood cell count and the constant shedding of my hair it has taken a toll on me mentally.

Bob has been giving me my daily injections of neupogen. I got the fifth and final shot last night. Now that I'm done I hope to start feeling better quickly.  It really is a very close second to the chemo in terms of how badly it makes me feel. It has made me so tired that I'm asleep more than I'm awake. I have such a horrible headache when I wake up in the mornings it hurts to even open my eyes. Most of the pain is right behind my eye sockets. My legs hurt so badly that when I walk down the steps it feels as though they may snap in half, although I know that they won't. And let's not forget about the nausea.  So pray that this medicine has done what it was intended to do, increase my white blood cell count, and that I'll be able to get treatment on Friday, not that that's what I want either.

That's probably another reason for the mental funk I've been in. On top of being in physical pain, I've been trying to prepare myself mentally for another round of chemo. This is when I just want to throw myself on the floor, kick and scream, and kick some more until somebody gives into to me and says "alright, already, you don't have to have another treatment, just be quiet!!!", but there is no such person. And throwing temper tantrums isn't going to help me.  I have no choice but to pick myself back up (mentally) and keep moving forward. So I'll follow the advice my brother gave me, be brave. Even though it's really the last thing I feel like being.

And since there is nothing like being kicked when you're already down, my hair continues to fall out everyday.  I was excited when I made it past the 14th day and still had my hair, and in some strange way I do feel some sense of satisfaction that it has made it this long.  Today is day 22 since my first chemo treatment. If I had stayed with my Pittsburgh doctors treatment #2 would have been yesterday. The significance of that? They told me I wouldn't have any hair left by the time of my second treatment. And I do.   It is thinner of course, but not patchy, so I still haven't committed to shaving it just yet. Why wait? Maybe because part of me still can't accept this as reality. Maybe because somewhere in the back of my mind I think I have some small chance that it will stop falling out and I can avoid shaving it. Really, I have no idea why I'm waiting. I guess simply because I'm just not ready yet.