Okay, so I am going to share a recent experience with you all. Some of you may think I have completely lost my mind, but I assure you I haven't. Or maybe I have and just don't know it.
Let me start by saying I believe in traditional Biblical values, God, Jesus is the son of God, the death on the cross, the resurrection, heaven, angels, and the holy spirit. I believe it all. With that being said my story begins....
It was Saturday late evening. I was ready to go to bed. I sat on the edge of my bed still pondering the same question I have since the beginning of this whole situation. Am I making the right decisions? I said "God, I just want to hear from you. I need to know what I should do." At that point I opened up my Bible. Shamefully, I admit that I dusted my Bible off just a few days before this and started reading it again. It has probably sat on a bookshelf for years and not been touched. Anyhow, when I opened my Bible I felt like I was supposed to read Matthew 3. Don't ask me how, it was just what I thought or felt or something. So I read for a little bit and I went to sleep. Next thing I know it's 4am and I sit straight up in bed almost in a panic. All of the sudden I had recalled what I had read the night before, but part of me wasn't sure if I was remembering correctly. I turn on the little lamp next to my bed trying not to wake Bob. I read it again: "Turn from your sins and turn to God for the kingdom of God is near", Matthew 3:2. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!!! Oh my!! Does that mean what I think it means? That's all that kept going through my head. Immediately I felt like I was being told that I was going to die. All I could think about were my poor children growing up without a mother. All of this time, since finding the lump, I had never had a moment like this. It became so so so real to me that I could die from this. Sure the odds are pretty good in my favor, 85% chance I'll still be alive in 5 years, but what about the other 15%. At this point I am now sobbing. It's 4:30 in the morning and I am now convinced I'm going to die. So I woke Bob up. My intention wasn't to tell him. Really all I wanted was for him to hold me. After he was coherent enough to realize I was crying, he asked me what was wrong. I started by telling him that I didn't want him to think I was crazy and to please not be upset with me. Talking about dying becomes a sensitive issue. Everyone wants you to think positively. I wasn't sure how well this conversation was going to go over. I began to explain what I had experienced and what the scripture said. He said nothing for a long time, well probably 5 minutes, but after you tell someone you are going to die, 5 minutes is a long time not to say anything. Then when he finally spoke he said "honey, we are all going to die. We could die in a car wreck on the way to the hospital. We could die in a plane crash on the way to Chicago." And for whatever reason the words he spoke calmed me even though he was telling me something I already knew. Anyone of us could die at any time. You, or you, or me, or any of us. You could walk out into the street tomorrow and get hit by a bus, without any warning at all. My lump, my diagnosis is just my warning of how short life can be. Not everyone gets a warning. Not everyone gets a chance to "get ready".
My father lived his whole life as an agnostic. He didn't even celebrate Christmas because he didn't want to be hypocritical celebrating a holiday that he truly didn't believe in. He was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney c***** in February of 2005. He only lived 11 months after his diagnosis. During his last year he had time to repair his failed relationships, prepare all his finances, apologize for past wrongs, and even help in planning his own memorial service. But most important of all he accepted Jesus as his savior in those final days. I bring this up because I always viewed my father as blessed. Yes, he died in a very slow way. Yes, that last year was agonizing. But in the very end he had a warning, he knew he was going to die and he had time to prepare and "get ready". And not everyone gets that.
Do I still think I am going to die from this? Mostly no, but in reality I don't know. I don't think that was the purpose for God having me read that passage. I believe that is a message to all of us. We should be "ready" all the time because we never know when our lives here on Earth will end.
I knew without a doubt that I needed to go to church that morning. We had attempted over the years to try to make it a regular thing but always had accuses for not going. But that morning it was if God plucked me out of bed and got me ready. I didn't experience once side effect from chemo while getting ready to go or while I was sitting during the service.
This wasn't the first time I thought I had heard from God during this time. After I first found the lump, sometime during that first week when I was crying a lot, I had told God "I don't want to do this". This meaning have c*****. And just as if He had cut my thought off , I heard "BUT YOU HAVE TO." I had hoped that I was wrong and that I was imagining it. But as it turned out I didn't.
There is one last part to this story. While I was showering that Sunday morning I felt like I had finally gotten my answer to my question. It came on me so sudden. I felt so strongly from deep inside me, NO MORE CHEMO. Now, I don't want my family and friends that believe chemo is my best and only choice to start to panic. I am going to C***** Treatment Centers of America in Chicago. I plan on doing whatever they recommend. But I also believe that when I felt that feeling of NO MORE CHEMO, that was from God. So prayerfully I continue my journey and hope and pray and believe that when I get to Chicago they tell me that their preferred treatment plan for me at this point is radiation and surgery.
So have I completely lost my mind? Is this all just too much for me to handle? Is this just some grand coping mechanism kicking in? Maybe. Maybe not. I guess in time we will know.
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